Disclaimer alert: Please do not send me messages or comments saying I need therapy or need help in general. And please don’t think I have gone crazy or anything. These are my deep dark private thoughts that I am willing to share publicly. I have gone through so many trials and tribulations in my life and if my story can bless, encourage, or help someone I chose to tell it and I shouldn’t be reprimanded for doing so.
With that said good morning and happy Monday to all you beautiful people out there. What a weekend huh? How was yours? Mine was filled with tears, tears and more tears. Even as I am at work, typing this blog tears are streaming. I have hit a rough patch but at the same time it’s a revelation. I learn more and more about myself everyday, I learn the good, the bad and the ugly but that’s what life is all about right? Growth, maturity, and a new level of understanding..Yes? Well I got a bunch of that this week. I try to live a drama free life, because I don’t deal well with it. I don’t like it, its pointless and a waste of time. In spite of all that I was saturated in it this past week, but yesterday I had a meeting with a friend, and we decided on going to the beach. The beach is my calming ground. I love the ocean, the sounds, the sand, the beautiful creation that was made. I haven’t been in a while so it was a nice place to be especially with everything that has been going on.
As most of my readers know I have experienced a significant amount of loss in my life. The most recent being my mother, and most of my readers know that I am not close with many of my family members. With that said I had a conversation with another friend Friday evening and I was telling her how I would call my auntie, my mother’s sister because I hadn’t talked to her in a while. And as I was talking to my friend I was telling her how the conversation would go, I told her it would start off with a question that would go something like this: “What the hell you want?” then I proceeded to tell her how the rest of the conversation would go: “You know I don’t like talking on the phone, what’s wrong?” “Don’t we talk enough on facebook?” to “Okay, are we done? I’ll talk to you later”. To my NOT surprise as I called my aunt Saturday afternoon that is EXACTLY how the conversation went, and without hesitation I told my aunt exactly what I told my friend, we both laughed about it.
*Backdrop on my aunt* Before you think she’s some mean crazy lady you have to understand her. She has never been a phone person; she is VERY rough around the edges and not sentimental at all. She keeps her wall up, she doesn’t allow anyone in, and if you do get in your only get surface things, you will never ever get all of her for fear of being hurt, wounded, let down, or disappointed. So she keeps this hard exterior and is the type of person that society would label as “keeping it real” or “hardcore”. My aunt talks on the phone for a living which I understand completely, I do as well and the last thing I want to do is pick up the phone when I get off of work, however, if my family is calling I will answer since we are 3,000 plus miles away from each other. I guess I am the only one that sees that.
As, I already stated my family and I aren’t close, but my aunt is a little piece of my mom and I am all she has from my mom, so my aunt is a very special woman to me. Because of the conversation I had with my aunt later that evening she posted this as her status on Facebook: “I hate talking on the phone and I have always been that way. I want my niece Nikki Godz-Princess to know. I love her with all my heart and soul; she is all I got left of my big sister. And i never mean to hurt your feelings by rushing u off the phone. I am always concern about u and will always have ur back! I love you.” This touched my heart to the core. I cried because I rarely have moments like that come from my aunt. Even as I am re-reading it I am crying. It meant a lot for me to know how she really feels about me. Call me sensitive, dramatic or whatever you want but when you’ve grown up thinking this woman has hated you all your life, its nice to get a glimpse of something different.
As I was having a conversation with my friend yesterday at the beach I was sharing with her the conversation I had with my aunt, and the FB status and of course I began to cry. It was then that I started to realized that I want my aunt to be Debra, and she will never be Debra, I want her to love me like Debra, hug me like Debra, I want her to talk to me like Debra would, care about me and my well being like Debra did. Share with me her dreams and aspirations like Debra did. Know just the right things to say like Debra would. I look for Debra in her. I long for Debra in her. I need Debra in her. And I realized she can never be Debra, she is not Debra. She can only be Jackie, because that is who she is, that is who God made her. She is my mothers SISTER….NOT my mother. I never realized that was what I was doing or that, that was my expectations of my aunt. It hurts more than I can say that I put those expectations on her and on myself because I was always so sad and disappointed. I miss my mother so much but I have to let my aunt be my aunt and understand I can’t look for Debra in everyone. God gave me my mother for 20 years, He saw fit, that, it was enough and took her home to be with Him. I don’t understand it I don’t get it, but I know it is not my place to understand or get but to except it, do what I have been placed on this earth to do and make her proud of me!
The life I have been given has not been an easy one. Experience the loss I have experienced, experiencing the abuse I have experienced, the lack of self confidence I have experienced, the suicidal thoughts I have experienced, the suicidal actions I have done, the pain that I have felt, the hurt I have gone through it as all been for a purpose. Some of the purpose is still unfolding, some of the purpose has been unfolded but like I said in the beginning, if my story can help, encourage or bless someone I will shout it from the rooftops! But one thing I do know is that out of the ashes, beauty always rises. I’m still rising…..
Thanks for reading my very lengthy post (sorry) and have a wonderful week my loves