I recently read a post on Facebook that would give me the opportunity to sing, and use a gift that I have been given. The post said there were open auditions to join a local group here in So-Cal. I immediately saw the ad and I was super excited, I like this group, I can do this I thought to myself, I know a few people in this group, I love to sing, I can totally do this I continued thinking. As I continued to stare at the post, I began to think, why would you do this? You know you are going to mess up, you know you have a fear of auditioning, you know you don't like to be put on the spot, you know you are going to be off key, and you are auditioning in front of people you know, they are going to judge you and laugh at you. All of these thoughts and so much more invaded my brain. The weird part is I could see each word forming the sentence in my mind. I have never ever been so in-tuned to something I was thinking. It was incredible how my brain was working. The more I stared the more I saw words like failure, stupid, not good, off key, messy, bad singer etc. I immediately began to feel so sad, why did I just do that to myself? It wasn't even done intentionally, it was like I had no control over my thoughts at that particular moment.
In that I went from super excited and thinking it was a wonderful opportunity to psyching myself out and thinking I wasn't and am not good enough. I forward the post to another friend and my message was "you'd be perfect for this :)" WHAT? What makes her perfect and not me? She's a better singer, she wouldn't mess up, she's perfect all the way around. So why not? However, this is the same person that tells me every time she sees me that she loves my voice, she loves my tone, she loves how I can smile while I am singing, how I display emotion etc, but to me....she's a beautiful and talented singer and I can't hold a candle to her.
I continually sabotage myself, and shoot myself in the foot every time. I actually was once upon a time in the studio recording an album. I stopped because I said no one would buy it, why waste my time, energy and possibly money for nothing? I know somewhere in my heart this is not true but it's what I think sometimes. It's terrible the way I think of myself, I am incredibly hard on myself and there isn't necessarily a real reason why. I think I beat myself up first so that when someone else does it won't sting as bad. I was that girl that was told by people in my life that I would never be anything, that I would never amount to anything, that I couldn't sing, that I was weird, too tall, too fat, to big, not pretty enough blah blah blah, and a lot of that sticks with you when you are a child. This is how insecurity builds up in young women. We listen to the negative so much that when the positive comes along we don't know how to respond. We immediately shut it down and say something stupid like "they are just saying that to be nice, they don't mean it." Am I the only one that feels like this?
Please don't get me wrong. I have people in my life that are my "biggest fans" they support me through and through. They whole heartedly believe in me and believe I can do this music thing and be successful. They continuously try to encourage me and push me to do what I LOVE to do, encouraging me to use my gift. I used to have someone text me or call me almost everyday asking me if I was back in the studio yet. It's a big deal to a lot of people, as it is to me as well I just only wish I believed like they do. They see something that I cannot see and unfortunately I am not quit sure yet how to see what they see short of me taking a leap of faith and just going for it. I still feel like that requires some sort of belief in myself....
Wanna hear (well read) something crazy? I felt like that with this blog thing, that I would not be successful in it, but for whatever reason I believed enough to do it and know that I could and would put in the work to make it as successful as it could be. Once my injury heals enough for me to dance on it I plain to start my own dancing class, teaching people how to shuffle aka line dance (electric slide, cupid shuffle, wobble etc) another passion of mine is shuffling I LOVE IT and I want to use that gift and help people learn the moves, anyways as nervous as I am to do that I believe it will be successful, I already have a lot of people interested in it. So I say all this to say that I don't have a problem stepping out, being a leader and taking initiative, taking that leap of faith. I don't have a problem airing it all out, showing my vulnerability and transparency etc but for whatever reason I am struggling with this music thing....
My Facebook status:
I just saw an amazing opportunity to do something and use one of the gifts God has given me and the longer I stared at it I psyched myself out of it. That just broke my heart :( #stupidinsecurities Why can't I believe in myself the way others believe in me? :'(
This really did break my heart. Why can't I believe in myself the way other's believe in me? Fear of letting them down, fear of failure, fear of being talked about, fear of being laughed at? Fear, fear, fear, fear, I know that I have not been given the spirit of fear well guess what? I am scared as hell....
One of my friends told me that this might be the task that I have to do in the fear, I have to walk this thing out scared and all because it HAS to be done. It has to, I even know this, there are no if, ands or butts about it, IT HAS TO BE DONE!! It is my task, my assignment, my calling, to sing. I think, dream, breathe, sleep, eat, and talk music, its my life and I love it. So I think maybe it's beneficial in some way for me to post this, like that so maybe I'll be held accountable or maybe someone will say I know how you feel, I've been there but I did X,Y & Z.....I don't know but I guess I felt like sharing my heart.
Do you believe in yourself? Do you struggle with insecurity? Share your thoughts and comments below please!!
DISCLAIMER: Please do not think I am some psycho woman that needs help because I don't always believe in myself, it's mainly about this music that I have a hard time believing in myself about. I do not need to see someone about this, and I don't need to be on meds LOL....Just Sayin'