Thursday, October 18, 2012


My thoughts for today....

As I stood outside this was the view from my back yard. As I looked up I began to get all teary eyed. As I looked to the right of me, there is a bush that has flowers on it and I saw a hummingbird (couldn't get a clear pic to show) seeing the hummingbird made me think of my mother. I don't necessarily know why because I never heard her say she liked them, I think because one day, when I was going through the thick of my divorce, and feeling really alone and really missing my mom I was sitting in my truck crying a bucket full of tears asking why me, why me. Why did my marriage end, why did my son have to die, why did my mom have to die and the moment I said my mom, I felt a sense of peace and calm and I looked up and a hummingbird was smack dab on the driver side mirror of my truck, it sat there for quit some time staring at me as I was staring at it and ever since then I think of my mom when I see a hummingbird, same with butterflies but we both loved butterflies so that one I can understand....

I have been really missing my mom lately. She died when she was 47. She was very young. My mom and I were super close. My father wasn't really in my life and it was always my mother and I. She was my best friend. I remember when I moved out to go to college I was 17 years old, I had my own apartment, I was working 2 jobs and going to school full time. When I would go home to visit my mom I would like to surprise her. Sometimes I would leave school early, drive down and surprise her in her classroom (she was a special education teacher along with working at the main post office in our city as well) her students would erupt with screams, and the joy that panned across my mothers face was amazing. She would light up and say "What are you doing here?" every time I came. I would help her out at school, and then we would usually leave together and go do something, like eat or shop or go home and talk like little school girls. I would sleep in her bed with her and we would stay up talking about all of our hopes and dreams. God I miss those moments so bad. I miss the love that my mom used to give me....

As it draws nearer to my birthday I can't help but think how she's going to miss yet another birthday, hers and mine. (Hers is next month) It's been some time since she passed but I still feel like it was yesterday. I never ever imagined my life without my mother. I know we all have to die sometime and I knew eventually her day would come but I honestly thought I would be older, married, with children etc. I will never ever get to share those moments with my mother. She won't be here to help me with my wedding dress, to tell me I am beautiful, I won't ever get to hear her say she loves me or she is proud of me. Do you know what that does to a person? How detrimental to my soul that is? Yes I know she is in a better place, yes I know she is happy wherever she is blah blah blah...I don't want to hear the cliches I just want to vent.

Birthday's were a big deal in my family, we always celebrated each other and loved to have any excuse to get together. After my grandfather died we didn't do many BIG family get together's, each family kinda did their own thing. From my teenage years on it was always the four musketeers which was what I called us, my mom, myself, my aunt and my grandma, we did everything together and went everywhere together. Then my aunt had a little girl and my little cousin came alone. She always calls me her big sister so then 4 became 5. We always had a great time and we all loved to shop so we spent anytime we could together shopping, eating, cooking, laughing watching movies etc. Sometimes I feel like my mom was the glue that kept us all together, and now she's gone and we aren't as close as we used to be. That hurts too....I love families that are so close knit, that love each other so much, that do family get togethers and hang out. I miss those moments when we all used to gather around the dinner table and eat a home cooked meal, when we would have family reunions when my entire family would get together from all across the world in one central location and get to know each other again. I remember my mom helping and planning those events.

As I watch the sun get orangier and begin to set I began to feel that feeling I felt when they lowered my mothers body further into her casket. I began to feel that overwhelming feeling that this is it, I will never see her again, I will never feel her hugs, hear her voice, sense her presence ever again. My heart broke. I would like to add my disclaimer and say, I do not need therapy and I am not crazy. I have experienced a loss, several to be exact and in that loss you experience different emotions. Do I cry for or over my mother every night NO, have I healed from the loss of my mother? I don't think you can ever heal from something like that, you just learn to deal with it and move forward. The pain doesn't hurt as bad, you're not consistently thinking about it, you learn no cope. I miss my mother dearly but I also know that my life has been spared for the time being and I have to live it, I have to move forward but I can still carry my memories of her with me..........

SS <3

I love you mommy & I miss you 

Obviously I know this song is about Father's but I feel it is so fitting for my mom....


  1. I just want to give you a huge hug!!!!! I know that people often say the wrong things but... Just know that these types of posts help to heal and more importantly share with the world what a wonderful person your mother was.

    I think it's normal to be sad, who won't. And it's normal and healthy to share your feelings. You are loved. *hugs*

    1. Thank you Melissa for this beautiful comment. It means a lot to me, thank you!!

  2. Defintleiy a hard post to read. I can only relate from having my grandmother who was like my 2nd mother pass away when i was 14 and she was in her 50s It tore me apart especially since it was so unexpected. My grandmother comes to me in 2 forms smoke(she was a smoker) and hummingbirds too All I can say is remember the amazing moments you had with her and remember the feelings you felt at your best when she was near and you will realize that she never left you she watches over you even when things seem impossible you know i believe everything has its reason sometimes we dont understand why but thats ok too

    1. Thank you Ruby. It is definitely a hard time and I don't understand why but its life. I put my big girl panties on and keep pushing forward. <3

  3. Definitely a heartfelt entry here, I'm so sorry.
    It sounds like you had an amazing relationship with your mom, as a mom those are the types of memories we want to leave with our children. It sounds like she was an amazing person, and all you can do is continue to make her proud. <3